think outside the sandbox

Post I attempted to put up last night, but Blogger was timing out on me:

To continue on a metaphor that Jana created over dinner, I have been contemplating relationships while doing crunches at the gym, always a potent combination, and I realize that there are more than just the surface reasons why I am so reluctant to jump into the various sandboxes I come across. I also like twisting metaphors around because it helps put distance between my subject and my emotions regarding the subject...

Aside from the obvious reasons which concern my insecurities (Am I cute enough to get into this sandbox?, Do I have enough experience to hold my own in this sandbox?, Is this a specific sandbox invitation for me or is it meant for the population at large?, and most of all, Who else is in this goddamned sandbox with us?) I realize that some of it involves consideration for the other person, who is, after all, a person, with feelings. Some people just wanna dick around in the sandbox, and some people wanna build a sandcastle together in the sandbox. But I would rather avoid getting into anyone's sandbox at all because I don't want those things and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Once you get into that sandbox it's freaking hard to get out. Sometimes it takes years and years.

Maybe it's just the couscous talking, but on this Sunday at midnight, I have some newfound clarity about what I want. I don't want to get into anyone's little sandbox or work on anyone else's sandcastle, not even just for fun. What I really want is someone to say "I've found this huge gorgeous beach, let's explore it! Maybe we can find a great spot to build sandcastles next to each other, because I like your style and our castles will complement each other. You can borrow my bucket and we can exchange tips and help each other learn and meet other cool sandcastle builders together. We can help each other grow and we can share this great experience. But what is yours will remain yours and you will be free to make your castle whatever you want. What we give to each other we give without obligation, and we accept out of love."

I guess it does come down to a certain level of commitment, but commitment coupled with creative freedom, individuality, respect, honesty, and openness. Be mine and only mine, yes. But be your own as well, and let me be my own too.

I don't know where such people hang out. Every time I meet someone, I hope they'll show me to the beach. Maybe I should stop worrying about finding them. Maybe I should just concern myself with my own sandcastle. But this is why people and their "Come into my sandbox and have some creme caramel" annoy me. Creme caramel is no substitute for the grand adventure and the beauty of living. Don't sandbox me in!

I know I'm young, maybe I should play a little, sandbox hop and have fun. I have my whole life to spend building sandcastles on the beach. But at the same time, it might take me a lifetime to learn how to build a great one, so I might as well start looking for a good spot right now...

~~~
Wow, that probably sounded crazy. But it made sense to me!